At The Edge of the Desert

For the last three days I’ve been in a little funk.
I feel unsettled, unorganized, and unsure. I wanted to wake up early today to get to work on the blog. I’ve got a preschool Valentine’s party to pull off in a few hours, so I wanted to make sure I had things taken care of around here so I can focus on sprinkling marshmallow and rice crispy treats with candy hearts and sprinkles this morning. But instead, I stayed buried deep under my covers.
I feel overwhelmed with the feeling that time marches on and babies get older.
I thought I was ready to be done with diapers. I don’t think I am ready to give up my baby. But here she is nearly potty trained and saying things like “You and Daddy are so PROUD of me!” (such a grown up sounding thing for her to say).
Today marks the start of Lent and I’m standing at the edge of a desert. I feel like I am at the end of one way of thinking about myself. I know I am not my label, but I really liked the one that I am about to give up: “Young Mom”
Yesterday in the grocery store check out Chloe kept beckoning me forward with her arms outstretched. She mushed my cheeks together and gave me a big smooch on the lips. My heart melted as she would say “Again! Again!” just as we finished the last. This is my favorite way to pass time waiting for the grocery belt to clear. But soon, she will join her sisters in the play area and I will be the one begging for a quick hug or kiss.
This morning at the bus stop I got a goodbye kiss from both of the older girls…but some mornings they rush to the front of the bus line and blow a kiss back to me. Other mornings they crowd in to line with their friends and barely look back.
I suppose it is fitting that this change coincides with the beginning of Lent. A time to enter into the desert. A time to reflect and face whatever changes may come. I know that there will be plenty of happy moments in the future and new phases that will be just as rewarding as the phase I’m exiting. The young mom is rewarded with open love. Little children know how to love with wild abandon. They say I love you and don’t care who hears it. They throw their arms around your neck and don’t even blink when it comes to public displays of affection. There is a flood of affection that pours forth in Young Momhood that slows to a trickle as kids let go of our hands and run forward on their own two feet. 
 I will learn to accept it–there isn’t another choice, is there?
For now though, I will hold them. Kiss them. Squeeze them.  For as long as they will let me!

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Comments

  1. OneMommy says

    Watching them grow up is just one of the mommy heart aches. My youngest is 3 now, still giving me hugs and kisses on his own, but I, too, know one day that won’t happen. I try to drink it all in, remember every moment.

    They grow up way too fast for my tastes.

  2. Kat Biggie says

    I have been thinking about this lately too. How my three little ones are growing bigger and there is very little time left that I’ll be the one carrying a baby on my hip. It is really bothering me. The next stage is great too, but these baby kisses, noises, smells… oh how I will miss them! Trying to cherish them before they are gone!

  3. says

    I am so not willing to give this up just yet, but know that I am on borrowed time. When I think of this, I do get a bit misty eyed and hope that I have a few more years left before they no longer want to give up kisses and hugs freely.

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